Hello, I'm Still Here For You

Hello. I see it's been since May that we've spoken. You might notice a trend of summer sweeping me away. Usually I can grin and bear it, sneak back in and say hello, drop some veggie knowledge, and keep my chin up. This summer was different.

For one, Tarra and I are officially partnering with Pacific Star Gardens. This has brought a whole new level of responsibility and added layers to that knot in my gut that there is too much to do and not enough time. We're grateful to have this opportunity, please don't misunderstand. I have 20+ years of experience to draw upon, 40 acres of organic land, tons of infrastructure and equipment.... but partnership can be like marriage and comes with challenges. We're still figuring things out, and I am so happy to have that wonderful, difficult chance to do so.

For two, Tarra and I are preparing to try to get pregnant come January. As a same sex couple, this adds complexity to that decision. There are laws and lawyers that will make your head spin and your wallet ache, sperm banks and sperm donors that could cost a mint or sue for custody if they change their mind, OBGYN's and midwives that don't agree when and how you should be poked, prodded, penetrated, or the like. It's just not how I imagined I would bring a child into this world.

The last straw for me mentally and emotionally came when we did our due diligence and had me checked out at the doctor to be sure I was ready to start trying come next year. I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). This is a disorder of your hormones. For some it displays as cysts on your ovaries or other reproductive organs (thus the name) that can grow and mostly be benign or become cancerous. It can also show up as hormones way out of whack. Your menstrual cycle might have it's own time, sometimes going missing for months or years, or you might not ovulate, or you can grow a righteous beard as a lady. It can affect your thyroid, alter your moods and send you into depressive spirals. It can also appear as insulin insensitivity making type 2 diabetes easier to develop and weight near impossible to lose.

I have since leaned that like miscarriages, infertility is a taboo subject. So I am calling Bullshit to this social norm and we're going to talk about it. But Ashley, this is a farm blog, why are you sharing? I've asserted this before, and still stand by it: as a small farm, your participation is an intimate relationship. We're closely linked: my life, my farm, my produce to your family. I spend my life feeding you. Your food has a story, my story- so I am going to keep sharing.
So lets talk about it. Infertility is the cause of enormous fucking stress.

"Current research has shown that the stress levels of women with infertility are equivalent to women with cancer, AIDS or heart disease, so there is no question about infertility resulting in enormous stress."

But, fun fact, stress also exacerbates infertility. Awesome. Don't stress about all this stress, it'll make things worse!

So we've been reading, talking with our midwife, sought council, and informing ourselves best we can. What we've come up with is no easy answer. Mainly, I have to lose some weight. It will improve fertility, lower my blood sugar, reduce risk of miscarriage or still birth, and increase the likelihood of a healthy pregnancy all around. Like I said earlier, that's nearly impossible. My thyroid and insulin insensitivity make that really, really difficult. I'm also not trying to restrict calories so my body doesn't avoid pregnancy thinking there aren't enough resources to support it. So, my calorie burning goal is 3-4,000 a day while I am trying to take in 2,000 minus any refined carbs and even reduced whole grains. Basically I am a meat and veggie monster.

OMG, how do you burn that many calories? We're training for a half marathon basically. It'll be fun, it's the Beat the Blerch Run. But, it takes a lot of time and energy and I am trying to squeeze that in with farming. Not surprisingly I am doing a shoddy job on both fronts. This blog was the first casualty.

We're in the process now of identifying sperm donors, which is a weird thing. You usually find someone you love and agree to their babies regardless of their genes. With a same sex relationship, we get to pick. It's a bizarre thing, like sperm hunting. Going to dinner parties, events and stalking men, then measuring them against our list of wants from a biological donor. Then we have to have "THE TALK" with the potential donor. Ask about their sexual lives, family history... Super weird. Again, not how I imagined having kids, but this is where we are.

I'll do my best to keep you all updated. I'll do my best to keep you abreast of things at the farm. I make no promises but my best.

A small trip to renew our spirits. 

At the farm, our eggplants and bell peppers are hanging on. You might be sick of them and need help rekindling your romance. Here are a couple recipes I hope help:

Hummus with Harissa
Bell Peppers play a huge roll in my house. We use them constantly. Not green ones, because ew. But the colored ones sing to my heart. If this is not you, I think you might like this. Roasting them helps bring out their sweet side and the spices will turn them into a magic paste that your hummus craves.Harissa is a North African chili paste that you can find in cans usually at a store specializing in Middle Eastern Food. It's basically roasted chili paste with garlic coriander and cumin with a little lemon. It's simple to make, and you'll feel fancy! It was a big hit at my friend's wedding in Colorado.

• Colored Bells
• Garlic
• Lemon Juice
• Coriander
• Cumin
• Optional: Roasting hot peppers

Take what you have in bells (I suggest at least four or five to make it worth your while) and toss them on a cookie sheet with a head of garlic, drizzle with oil and sprinkle with salt to roast. Blast them with 450* of oven magic until they're blistered and black. Take them out and put them in a bowl with a towel covering them. Let them steam themselves for 10 or so minutes. Uncover and peel the skins off. Totes not necessary, but strips of pepper skin can ruin a mouthful of dip- make your own call. 

Pop the garlic out of it's skins. It should be soft and paste-like if it's done roasting, if not, pop it back in the oven. Remove the stems of the peppers and toss it into a food processor or blender with the garlic, juice of a lemon, and a sprinkling of ground seasonings. Blend slightly, add salt to taste and just enough oil to make a silky paste. Taste and adjust seasoning. BAM! Harissa! You Fancy!

(Make your own hummus, seriously. Soak beans overnight, boil for awhile after you get home from work until tender, drain and toss with a couple scoops (tablespoon or two) of tahini, a few cloves of garlic, juice of a lemon and blend, adding oil to get a good paste. It's world's tastier than anything you can buy and sooo much cheaper. Be your own hero, make it homemade!)

*If you're going to roast hot peppers, do it well ventilated and pull them out before they blacken!!!! You will basically pepper spray your household if you don't do this! Also, if blending them, do not look into the blender, you will pepper spray yourself. You've been warned. Don't be afraid though, hot harissa is where it's at, just be smart!

Baba Ghanoush
Baba Ghanoush has as many iterations as it does spellings. I deferred to Wikipedia for this spelling. I have also read that in India, a Baba Ghanoush is a slang term for an attractive man. So, enjoy my recipe for eggplant hottie!

• Eggplant
• Onions
• Garlic
• Tahini
• Lemons

Take what you've got of eggplant (A few pounds to make your time worth it) and cut big bulb ones in half to quarters or long Asian types just in half. Quarter onions and remove skins. Toss all that nonsense on a cookie sheet with a head of garlic, drizzle with oil and sprinkle with salt and roast it at 450* until it gets nice and dark brown. Don't burn it like the peppers, your mouth will be sad if you do. Scoop the eggplant, sans calyx (hard leafy top), and onions into blender or food processor, squeeze roasted garlic in there too (make sure it's soft again, if not, pop it back in the oven until it is!). Add a few scoops of tahini (tablespoon or two) juice of a lemon and blend! Drizzle oil until a smooth paste forms. Enjoy this fine interpretation of eggplant hottie dip!



*This would also love to snuggle up to some harissa! Smear this on sammies, pita, veggies or eat with a spoon!